A. TURN UP ON THE GOVERNMENT’S DIME…
I thought YOU couldn’t use your food stamps for anything but food and juice etc, but in Northern NEW YORK STATE, 30 have been arrested for using their food stamps to buy liquor and non-accepted food with the stamps. These 30 have been arrested and many more are expected to be arrested. Get this, this isn’t the first time this store in BRUSHTON, New York has been accused of letting this fraud go down. Hmm, ask yourself where your tax money is going. Hmmm.
B. F*** E-HARMONY…
Columbus, Georgia was rocked with news last week that a homeless man broke into a funeral home and had SEX with a dead woman this week. They don’t know how the man got into the home, but they did discover a bike was missing and the body had been disturbed sexually. This hasn’t happened in this area for some time according to authorities. Necromancy comes with a 1 to 10 year prison sentence. I bet he won’t be messed with in PRISON.
C. INDECENT EXPOSURE…REALLY?
No relaxing YOGA in the state of Montana if one lawmaker has his way. State Rep. David Moore, wants to ban YOGA PANTS in the state, citing that they are WAY TOO REVEALING. He states that they are just as bad as people walking around naked. This would include tights and short-shorts. Moore’s law “would expand the state’s existing indecent exposure laws. In addition to banning all public exposure of nipples, both male and female, the bill would also outlaw any piece of clothing that ‘gives the appearance or simulates’ the pelvic area, buttocks, genitals or female nipple, the Associated Press reported — meaning tight-fitting pants could be included.” Well I don’t get this one bit. There’s nothing but buffalos and a few hundred people in Montana. Who the hell cares who wears Yoga pants or not?
Cue the ORGAN music and the horrible acting and the horrible stare as it takes us to commercial, because there is a soap opera that is about to start behind the scenes at SONY TELEVISION and it’s soap opera THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS. Anyone who watched from the eighties to the early 2000s was aware of DRUCILLA BARBER-WINTERS, played amazingly by VICTORIA ROWELL, who many also may remember from the 90s classic EVE’S BAYOU. Well, baby, MS. ROWELL is suing her former employee for, as she describes, as her not being hired back as retaliation for her speaking publically about the lack of diversity at the show. She says when she stated that they had a horrible hair and makeup department and that she barely got stories on the show was because she was BLACK was in fact the reason why her popular character was killed off NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN. Good luck Ms. Rowell. For those who watch the show, WE do miss her, but it will be a long time before she darkens the CBS soap’s steps, as they have released a statement stating that she not only has no rights to sue, but that she is DYLUSIONAL. Well, let’s see how this story will END. DUN, DUN, DUN…
- 3. A LEGEND HAS GONE TO SEE JESUS…
60 MINUTES and CBS has lost one of the greatest reporters in BOB SIMON, who died this week at the age of 74 years old. The adventuresome reporter has been on nearly every continent and covered everything from Animals to wars, which he mainly known for. He was even held captive by SADAM HUSSAIN during the first GULF WAR. He lived to tell the tale and had been in numerous other dangerous situations, which he got out of unscathed. But unfortunately, Mr. Simon couldn’t escape riding in the back seat of a car that got into an accident last week. What has unfolded since the incident is sad, due in fact to the driver, not only NOT HAVING a driver’s license, but the license had been suspended NINE TIMES and he had an arm that was NOT functioning due in part to an attempted SUICIDE. SAD NEWS all around. Prayers for the family of the famed news reporter. His legacy will live on his various stories and reports he leaves behind.
- 4. NO KISS FOR SLEEPING BEAUTY…
NICK GORDAN, BOBBI CHRISTINA’S HUSBAND, sorry BOYFRIEND, is not being allowed to see the comatose daughter of THE VOICE Whitney Houston and BOBBY BROWN. Apparently foul play is being called into question, and they are keeping her lover away from her. He has lawyered up and honey, when I tell you the family is not happy about it. In separate, yet sad, yet funny ass news, THE BROWN FAMILY, while celebrating Bobby’s birthday in ATLANTA, got into a brawl, ALLEDGELY. This whole thing is a mess and I hope that everything works out for the best. This is at the very least SAD ASS NEWS.
- 5. BREAKING COLLEGE DROP OUT NEWS…
Last Sunday the Grammy’ were held and were as bland as usual. But two things stood out, and they didn’t come until the very end of the show. The first was the emergence of his Supreme Highness PRINCE as he sauntered out on stage with an orange “pant suit” and walking with a cane, we weren’t sure if was used for fashion or function, and his subsequent face that gave us all the relief we need from the humdrumness of the night. Second came when BECK was announced winner of the album of the year, KRAY-KRAY KAYNE decided to bombard the stage, ala 2009 and attempt what he did to poor Taylor Swift, of course to defend Beyoncé. He didn’t go through with it though, and took his seat immediately. He later told RYAN SEACREST that it was the “voices” in his head that made him do, stating they said, “DO IT!” Child, that boy is crazy. I guess being a genius makes you that way. In other Kayne news GARBAGE front WOMAN SHIRLEY MANSON let him have it on her facebook page stating:
Dear Kanye West
It is YOU who is so busy disrespecting artistry.
You disrespect your own remarkable talents and more importantly you disrespect the talent, hard work and tenacity of all artists when you go so rudely and savagely after such an accomplished and humble artist like BECK. You make yourself look small and petty and spoiltIn attempting to reduce the importance of one great talent over another, you make a mockery of all musicians and music from every genre, including your own. Grow up and stop throwing your toys around. You are making yourself look like a complete twat.
Ps.I am pretty certain Beyonce doesn’t need you fighting any battles on her account. Seems like she’s got everything covered perfectly well on her own.
She did that! And in more KAYNE news, he had his fashion show during fashion week in NYC this week showing off his new line of shoes, and his daughter SOUTH, EAST, WEST, NORTH acted a damn fool (WHO BRINGS A TWO YEAR OLD TO A FASHION SHOW FIRST OF ALL) and MISS ANNA WINTOUR gave her a look that MERYL STREEP replicated in THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA and made the former RAY JAY sex tape co-star take her daughter out the show IMMEDIATELY. And in MORE KAYNE NEWS he’s rumored to be working on a song with his former nemesis TAYLOR SWIFT. Whatever makes money right. ENOUGH OF KAYNE. I’m DONE!!!!
That’s it for this week. Thanks for reading.
V.A. Patrick Slade